Kay's Story pt 6 - The Beginning of the Journal

            Thoughts of leaving the home she loved, her fond friendships, having to endure Sylvia in a foreign country, missing David—all came crowding in on her heart with anxious urgency.  Combined with her lack of sleep this sent her to her knees beside her small bed, burying her head in the blanket with muffled sobs.  Pounding the bed with her fist she cried through clenched teeth,

            “David!  David!  Why?!  Why, God—did You bring him into my life?  Lord, You know my heart.  You know how frail I am!  What are You doing to me?  Was it not enough to tear him from my bleeding soul?  Was it not enough to reduce my hopes…to ashes and leave me at the brink of utter despair?  The dark clouds of Your providence assailed me on every side.  Was it not enough for my frame?  Do You remember that I am dust—a fleeting shadow—a short breath in the morning?”

            Elianna choked on more heaving sobs.  She could not stop now.  Her face was crimson and glistening with tears, and her heart poured forth more.

            “Oh LORD God, I hate Sylvia!  I know that my heart is bitter and wicked, but I hate her.  Please forgive me.  I despise her perfect beauty.  I despise the way she won David’s attention with such arrogance and flaunted superiority.  Her façade of sophistication—I abhor it.  I abhor the way David looks at her.  I abhor her proud ignorance.  Please forgive me, O God!  Help me!  I am only a little child.  Who and what am I to bear these burdens?  I cannot.  Help me, O Father.  My wisdom is not sufficient.  I can only cling to Jesus.  O, have mercy on me, Son of David, a sinner!  I can only cast myself into Your arms.  Keep me, keep me!  Keep me in Your love, Lord Jesus.”

            She continued like this for an hour.  Louisa and the rest of the house knew it was no time for interrupting her, and when she had wept out all the seething doubt and worry and anger, she felt that peace which passes understanding settle over her like a big, warm coat. She had committed her way to the LORD, trusting Him with things too great and uncertain for her.  He would act.

            The leather bound journal still lay beside her bed unopened.  Suddenly she felt the desire to peer into its contents.  After carefully untying the straps that held it closed, Elianna opened to the first page and read,

           

October 30, 1909

I am not a writer by nature.  Only after this summer do I have the motivation to record some thoughts and events.  Where shall I begin?  This summer has been splendid—my first time visiting America.  I met a man, David Ashmore.  I did not think much of him at first, but now I am quite simply taken with him.  I would never have bought a journal of any kind, but he bought me this one to try my hand at scribbling.  Only now do I feel that I have memories I am fond enough of to write down.  You see, I think I am in love, and I am quite sure he is in love with me.  The way he looks at me—O confound the thought of trying to describe it.  But I know that when I see his strong gaze at me, I get gooseflesh, and I feel warm all over.  There, I have admitted that a man has that much of an effect on me.  I resent it at times.  David is handsome and good-humored, and his family is rather rich.  He kept finding ways to see me, and I knew very early that he had fallen for some of my coquettishness.  Why not flirt with the rich boy a trifle?

Elianna slapped the book shut with a grimace.  This was all she could handle for the moment.  She would have plenty of time to read more on the voyage to Scotland, she thought.