The Whimsy... Part VII

Continuing the present personal series of posts (see the introduction and first entry here).

The First Day of Spring 2006
Age 19, North Vancouver

So I haven't written for several weeks.  Imagine:  I was once the Kay who couldn't sleep at night before writing a page on my daily activities, even when I was very drunk. [...] 

It's cloudy once more.  Not even raining yet and it's surpressingly depressing.  I am not going anywhere if it rains.  It sucked too much last time.  But, how can I stay home and where would I go anyway?!

I had a weird dream last night that I was in labour but there was scarcely a bulge in my stomach.  The baby came out without an ounce of pain for me.  I held it all naked and was just panicking.  "I'm supposed to feel all this love for you..."  I was so worried and scared about its appearance.  It was long and skinny, not deformed but surely not all plump and bundled up.  I just wanted it to cry and be normal so I could comfort it, like I was supposed to.  I woke up feeling sick from being so hot.  Went back to sleep only to dream about being on ships, making sure Grady was ok and not about to fall off and following "Justin's bro" around.  By the shore the Christian couple from A Baby Story were building a garden and having a picnic with their daughter. [...]

How can I dream such randomly weird things?!  At least they were, in a way, better than the one in Mexico. [...]  Ugh... guess I'm still bitter about that one...

So... what do I want to do? I know, get a job.  But WHERE?  And I don't feel like updating my resume right now.  I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone - any employer - and that I would just fail anyway or it wouldn't work out. [...]

Well I guess I should get on with my day... kind of a joke.  Maybe I'll just go out around the time everyone gets home.  Mom's had like attitude or something against me since they got home.  Maybe it's just because of that fact: they're home.  To live is to diet and travel.  To die is not in the plans...

I've got to get baptized.  I don't know why I'm so scared.  The thought of my parents coming to the meeting is awesome and happy, though awkward.  I feel like I have to live better and be an example before I can get up there honestly in front of them all.  And after Mexico, my hypocrite status is still way up there.

Thank God for a way out from this world and all of my sin.  Thank the Lord for being such a willing sacrifice, for living each day of His life without sin so He could be that perfect sacrifice.  I pray for our assembly and interactions amongst us all.  May they be understanding and full of great love for one another.